By: Jenna Zine (A six-pack) –
Please note that my rebuttal is my gut-level response to the film, not to the esteemed Henry J. Fromage’s fabulous review.
Snowpiercer takes place entirely on a fancy bullet train set to race eternally around the globe after an environmental experiment goes awry, leaving Earth basically uninhabitable. The lucky few survivors are saved by a genius that offers up space on said train. Some of the passengers are happier about their seat assignments than others.
Beer One
My main beef with this film is actually the misleading advertising. Snowpiercer is being lauded as serious art house fare, when it’s actually a crappy blockbuster in disguise. Both my pocketbook and sensibilities were offended, leaving a taste in my mouth worse than the bug-filled protein bars sloughed off to the second-class citizens forced to live in “the tail.”
Of course it’s a marketing team’s job to get butts in seats – and at this they have surely succeeded. But something is rotten in the state of Denmark – and that something is Harvey “Scissorhands” Weinstein. Failure is not an option in Harvey’s world, even if it means flat-out lying. The emperor has no clothes, people.
Beer Two
Here’s a fantastic idea – let’s combat global warming by spraying more toxic chemicals on top of an already toxic situation. What could possibly go wrong?
What could go wrong is handing a ham-fisted script and concept to the audience. Suspending belief is the great moment of any cinematic experience. Suspending intelligence is not.
Beer Three
The hirsute Chris Evans actually does a fine job. In fact he deserves an Oscar for keeping a straight face during the impassioned “I ate babies” speech. But then again there’s that whole problem of having an “I ate babies” speech in the first damn place. The audience in the showing I attended laughed at this part – uproariously.
Beer Four
The endless battle scenes are more draining than compelling. I get that there’s a revolt happening, but oh, my god how long is this movie? I was shocked to learn that only a mere two hours had passed – it easily felt like four.
Beer Five
The most frustrating part was the fact that it was never really explained as to why there were hordes of people forced to live in poverty in the caboose – other than the gist of, “Oh well, that’s just the way humanity is.” If you’re going to endlessly travel the globe with a finite amount of people, what’s it to you if everyone has nice accommodations?
Beer Six
And finally, how is the audience supposed to care about the outcome of the movie if the movie itself doesn’t even know what it wants? Chris Evan’s character spends the entire film, just getting to the front of the train – and the story ends minutes after he reaches his goal. Meanwhile, the man who actually seemed like he had a plan (Song Kang-ho as Namgoong Minso, the man who built the sliding doors between each train car) doesn’t. Well, he does – but it’s incredibly short sighted. You’d think he would’ve come up with something more clever than derailing the train, given all the time he has on his hands. And to what end? It’s still fucking freezing outside! Maybe the scriptwriters were helping themselves to too much Kronol (the fictional addictive designer drug).
Verdict
I was left less satisfied than a 20-something gold digger married to an octogenarian.
Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time you check your phone for the time.
Take a Drink: every time a battle ensues.
Take a Drink: every time Kronol is doled out – and you wish you had some too.
Take a Shot: for Tilda Swinton, who deserves much better, but kicks ass regardless.
